Running the Charity Gambling Wheel At Purple Patio

Thanks to some guy named Craig and his list, I was able to part ways with my Sunday in the Country ticket, and instead partake in tailgating festivities at M&T Bank Stadium. So early Sunday morning, I met up with Corey, Bennett, and Tyson to head down to the stadium and get the day off to a proper start. Well, at least Corey, Tyson, and I got the day off to a proper start. Towards the end of the cab ride, and right in the middle of our cab driver's rant on sacrificing cows to Indian gods, Big Body released a barrage of curse words so obscene, that even Howard Stern may have shook his head in dismay. We soon found out that Bennett somehow managed to forget his sky box ticket at the house. Thankfully, for Bennett's sake that is, Kohler saved his day and was willing to pick the kid up and drop him back off at the stadium.

Once we ditched Bennett for greener pastures, we found ourselves at Wyman's tailgate. After a few games of corn hole, a few jello shots, some last minute fantasy football changes, and a couple rounds of Jack, it was game time, which meant Corey and I were headed to the Purple Patio at Mothers, and this is where things got a lil' bit dicey.

Shortly, after our arrival to Mother's, we decided to venture outside, to take in some of the outdoor activities that the bar has to offer. It wasn't long before Corey stumbled his way over to the gambling wheel, which is quite typical of the man, if there's a gambling wheel to be found, Corey is usually not too far away. The gambling wheel was designed to garner support for a charity of some sort, and within a matter of a few moments, the lazy and irresponsible volunteers wandered away, to go mingle with the crowd, or basically to be pathetic, drunken whores. With the gambling wheel now being left unattended, and the liquid confidence really starting to hit it's peak, Corey did the only thing appropriate, he stepped behind the wheel, and took control. Twenty minutes later, the man was up nearly 70 bucks, and the degenerate gamblers were starting to throw their money away like Jake Dellhome throws the pigskin away. At this point, the head of the charity organization returned to the wheel in an outrage, demanding Corey's immediate removal and the money back. Being the upstanding citizen that he is, he rightfully handed the repugnant whore her money back and was soon on his way. A few minutes later, the security at Mother's is scanning the bar, looking to kick out the Raven's fan who steals from a charity, and we realized our time at Mother's may soon be up. Corey and Shea even switched jerseys in an attempt to be inconspicuous, but alas Corey was spotted and not so kindly escorted out of the building. Several minutes later, and even after successfully convincing a manager at the bar to let him back in, I was being escorted out by a large black man, wearing a shirt three sizes to small.

With Mother's no longer an option, we headed to Ropewalk, where Shea greeted us with a couple of Bud Lights and some not so friendly shots of Rumplemints, and after that round the memory gets a bit blurry. However, the night was far from over, as after a brief power nap and some Spartan's delivery, Tyson showed up on Bouldin Street. It wasn't long before Tyson was convincing me to walk down the street to some dive bar in Highlandtown. Supposedly, Tyson had become quite familiar with the regulars there, and he was a big fan of the place. Upon our immediate arrival, ol' Tyson was caressed by numerous elderly women, who were missing their teeth, and quite set on the Flacco that Tys is the mirror image of Joe Flacco, despite the obvious differences in stature. I failed to see the resemblance, but Tys seemed to love every minute of it, and I wasn't going to interrupt the kid's moment of glory. With the Colts game getting out of hand, and the Jager Bombs, starting to catch up, I soon decided it was time to call it a night. Tyson didn't have the same mindset, and I was forced to let him fly solo in this dive bar, and I'm a bit worried as to how the rest of his night went, but I don't think I'm going to ask any questions the next time I see him. Anyways, Tyson had his heart set of watching a Ravens road game their some time in the near future, and I believe we decided that the Pittsburgh game would be the perfect road game to re-visit this dive bar, so if your ever down to visit a dive bar in Highlandtown with toothless old women, feel free to join, because Tyson and I will most definitely be there.

The Alabama Black Snake Visits South Carolina

Recently in this blog, I have discussed the possibility of a road trip and a dramatic event in the summer of 2006 involving my Jeep. In this entry, I am going to merge those two ideas together and talk about a 2006 road trip. The destination was Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and the trip was epic. Lgabell's family owns a condo down there and she was gracious enough to extend an invite to a few of her friends to enjoy a week in the sun in mid July. Corey, Julia, and Lgabell all took full advantage of the opportunity and headed down for the full week. As for myself, I could only make a long weekend out of it, but was able to pick up a few stragglers to enjoy the drive down I-95 with, and those stragglers were Bennett, Mike Major, and none other than Drew DahDah.

As the trip neared, I was stoked when I heard the news that Lindsay was out of town and Bennett would be driving her Passat. However, when it came time to depart Baltimore, this news turned out to be only a mirage, as Lindsay was in fact still in town, and there would no stealing of the Volkswagen, leaving us with the Jeep. The only positive thing about Lindsay being in town, was the chocolate chip cookies she made us for the journey. Anyways, it wasn't long before Bennett and I soon realized, that an eight hour drive with Major and DahDah in the backseat of your car seems like an eternity, because the two do nothing but rant about nonsense and your brain sorta just turns to mush after awhile. Thankfully, though Bennett had a tin of skoal and manned the wheel the entire way down. I swear, the kid want's to be a long haul truck driver someday. Not too mention he's got a great taste in music and the songs of Kenny Chesney and Alabama were able to tune out the babbling duo in the back. We also noticed on the ride down that poor Corey must have been overrun by estrogen, in the three days he had spent alone with Laura and Julia, because he must have called us every thirty minutes on the regular to check up on our estimated time or arrival, just praying for a dosage of testosterone to help him feel like a man again. After quite the long journey, we did eventually arrive and the real shenanigans were soon underway.

With the whole crew now comfortably set up in the condo, it wasn't long before trouble and nonsense came about. Typically, it started with some fierce games of 500 rummy, as Julia was quite displeased with her inability to win, the way I hold my cards, or the fact that I tend to sit Indian style. As the rummy matches begin to cease, the Alabama Black snake emerged, as Mike Major graced us all with his homo erotic dance skills and a peep show. The man was able to defend these dance moves though as he impressed a horde of strippers on Highway 17, and earned us a free bucket of Corona's. DahDah, was no where to be found that night though, because supposedly Drew DahDah in a strip club is like a kid in a candy store, and he would have been all lost and googly eyed staring down the strippers without a clue what to do.

Lost amidst the strippers and free dance shows, were the Levi builders of 69 and 72, Scottish dudes, Superman being put to shame at Club Kryptonite, and a few intense games of miniature golf. The trip concluded with Corey and Major, stealing the infamous vault as we ran down the street, drinking forties,homeless men, and late night swims. Today, the vault still rests on Sean's deck, collecting dust, and South Carolina only serves as a memory of time well spent.

The Orioles play host to Boston tonight, and it is the last Friday night game of the season, and if you know me at all, you should know that I will be in the vicinity of Pickles and Sliders prior to the start of the game. To make things more interesting, my main Matt Wieters has been on an absolute tear as of late, visiting Eutaw Street on Tuesday, and hitting the first walk-off home run of his career on Wednesday. Hopefully, he continues the heroics tonight, and hopefully for my sake, there are no repulsive aliens from Frederick in attendance.

A Dispicable Steeler's Fan

After witnessing an embarrassing incident last night involving two customers at Glory Days, I am further in believe that football fans from the state of Pennsylvania are quite possibly some of the worst human beings on the face of the earth. I was strolling around the bar area, shortly after Rob Bironas attempted field goal was blocked in the first half and caught wind of a Steeler fan argueing with a middle aged woman, who was sporting a Ravens jersey. According to the bartender Jay, the Steeler fan, supposedly had said something in regards to the overall excellence of the Steeler defense following the block and the woman responded by saying that it had nothing to do with defense, Bironas simply missed the kick. This woman, continued to argue that Bironas missed the kick, and that a blocked field goal was in no way shape or form, a good play for the defense. After a few seconds of this rediculous claim, this Steeler's fan became enraged and unleashed a barrage of insults and curse words onto this middle aged woman in defense of his arguement. It was so intense and offensive, that this woman began to back away from her statement and was almost brought to the point of tears. At this point, the guy started to laugh at her expense and began to talk trash about Ravens' fans. Eventually, the guy settled down and went back to drinking his beer quietly and simply being a horrible person. Now, usually I would not rip into someone who got a little adamant after a few beers when someone made an absurd claim, but if the someone making the erroneous claim is a friendly middle aged woman suffering from down syndrome, well than buddy, your an asshole, and quite possibly the worst human being on earth. Get the fuck out my restaurant, and go hang out with Osama Bin Laden and child molesters. Perhaps some karma was sent your way, when that long haired bastard in your backfield went down with an injury. Dispicable.

Recently, when I have been hanging out with a group of friends, I have been questioned about the number of older people I associate with on a regular basis. Some of my friends, seem perplexed as to what would lead me to do such a thing. Personally, I believe if one is determined to keep all their friends in a specific age bracket, than they are silly, but perhaps that's just me. Anyways, I am now going to jot down a list of the so called older people that I associate with on a regular basis.

Jamal- Somehow he has escaped this classification, perhaps it is due to the vibrant colors he sports everytime he goes out, dynamic attitude, or overall awesomeness, but either way, Jamal falls into this category because he is a bit older and isn't even the youngest person on the list. Which brings us to......


Kevin- Walk into Glory Days sometime between 2 and 5 and you will most likely find, Kevin drinking a Budweiser and sitting at the bar by himself. The mirror image of Sean O'Connor, Kevin is a 32 year old trust fund baby, who spends more time getting to know each and every female Glory days employee in the Biblical sense, than he does actually working. The son of a dedicated and hard nosed businessman, Kevin is the polar oppostie. Either way though, the man is quite amusing, could sell ice to Eskimos, and is fun to drink with.


Tedd- Perhaps the most influetial person on here, because he possibly saved my life with a few words of advice. If it weren't for him, it might just burn every time I pee. While I have agreed to let Google post some advertisements on my blog, Tedd is also the only person I know who has been giving free advertising. His photography website is linked on my main page, and it is also possible that he is the only boss I've ever had that actually still likes me. As for now, I will just leave him to pester Lindsay about my whereabouts.

Pat- Hands down the nicest and most decent person on this list. No offense to anyone else that is mentioned, but when it comes to the overall deceny of people, there are few that are better than Pat. I feel bad for him in some ways, because for the past ten years he has had to work for a horrible Greek person. Pat, is also perhaps, the sole reason, I believe the Kent Lounge is the best bar ever.

Damon- If Pat is the best person on this list, Damon is by far the worst. Right now, I'm sure you can find the man drinking beer and wagering on sports somewhere in San Antonio. He has claimed that if he were to ever walk into a church it would burn down. That being said if I ever visit New York, end up on an episode of Cash Cab, and get to a question where I need to call someone for advice, he will be the first person I call, no matter the subject, no questions asked.

Steve- Possibly the person on this list, I've spent the least amount of time talking to, but it was his prescence last weekend that sparked this conversation, so the man deserves mention.

Mike Hupp- I'm not really sure if that's how you spell his last name, but that's what I'm going with. The only member of this crew to belong to the prestiged Towson Elks community, which he routinely promises he will take me to one day. If you ever see me taking a shots where ducks are farting, you can most definitely know that Hupp is not far.

Jay- I'm going to bring this list to a conclusion with Jay. Like Damon you can most likely find him in a bar somewhere, wagering on sports, however unlike Damon, Jay does not win. Every day he has a new pick that is the so called "Lock of the Century" and every day he is flabbergasted when they somehow fall short. I usually give Jay my hellos and how are you's and by that point, I've become so aggravated it is now time to resort to mocking the man.

A Roadtrip to Vegas, to Kick Off the New Millennium

Shortly following my third and final fantasy draft, I stopped by to check in on Tyson and Stilling for a minute, and to little surprise the topic of conversation soon drifted to football. As the conversation progressed, Tyson and I began dabbling into the possibility of planning an upcoming road trip. Now, the sole purpose of this road trip would be to attend a Raven's game in an opposing team's stadium. Minnesota, Green Bay, Cleveland, and Cincinnati, were all discussed as possible destinations. The discussion soon began to pick up some heat as we discussed who would possibly join on us in this weekend long adventure and it wasn't long before half of Towson was mentioned. Townsend and Ross were two key components in this equation, as I had spent part of the afternoon discussing this idea with Townsend, and we all know what happened the only time I ever took a road trip with Ross. At some point,Tyson came across a Ravens schedule and it wasn't long before he had his heart set on a certain trip. Tyson wanted to travel to Vegas for New Years Eve and than catch another flight to Oakland for the Ravens final regular season game on January 3rd against the Raiders. Stilling and I began to express our concerns, specifically financial concerns, as a New Year's in Vegas could take a toll on the wallet. Despite our thoughts, Tyson was still quite adamant about the whole idea, and refused to back down. At this point he offered these few words of wisdom, "Stills, it's 2010, it's the start of a whole new millennium, and it's Vegas, c'mon!" Or something similar to that, the man was kinda slurring his words at this point, but I got the basic gist of what he was trying to say. To make things clear, I would without a doubt love to head to Vegas for New Years with Tyson, Townsend, and Ross, especially to kick off the start of a new millennium, but I was stuck with three main concerns: 1. The whole financial aspect, as previously discussed. 2. If Tyson, Towsnsend, Ross, and I were to ever embark out west to visit Sin City, well I think it's almost a sure fire guarantee, that one of us will either end up dead, lost, in jail, or without shoes. Most likely all four will occur, and I'm sure the events that would have taken place would make the movie "The Hangover" seem like amateur hour and 3. We still have 90 years to the new millennium, and I'm not quite sure that any of us are going to make it to 114.

Now, as for the road trip, I am still all about it. In my mind, Cleveland and Cincinnati seem the most plausible as they are within driving distance. Plus, by the time the Ravens travel to Ohio both the Bengals and Browns should be eliminated from playoff contention, therefore drastically dropping the price of tickets. Also, the timing would allow us to get together a good group of people for a road trip, and a good core of people is hands down essential for a quality road trip. So with this post, I am hereby inviting any interested partakers, and hopefully we can make this whole thing happen. Cleveland may be the most intriguing possibility, because with Cleveland comes the Moos brothers, Monday Night Football, and Big Rob.

Lately, whenever I have been in social settings, the topic of Halloween has been brought forth. It isn't even mid September, and people are already planning their costumes. As for me, I'm not too worried about my costume just yet, I'm sure I will come up with something interesting and amusing, my biggest concern, however, is that this year I manage to stay out of Mexican gay bars in downtown Baltimore. Although, the tequila flows rather freely in those establishments.

With the first pick of the 2009 Yahoo Fantasy football fantasy draft, Soiled Panties selects kicker Sebastian Janikowski of the Oakland Raiders.

A Few Things I Believe, A Few Things I wonder......

I believe that the Orioles will contend for the World Series in 2011. I'm not saying they will win the damn thing or even take the A.L. pennant but with some maturation of our young arms and bats, we will be a serious threat. I could probably write a whole blog on the extent of this statement, but I may save that for another day.

I wonder what the road construction workers from York and Seminary to York and Ridgely do to earn their paychecks. I've been driving for eight years now and there is still always construction. Fix the damn road already.

I believe the Maryland State Fair is an under appreciated yearly event in Timonium. With that in mind, I will most likely miss out on the opportunity to attend once again this year.

I wonder if Corey will once again make an appearance at the Maryland State Fair, squander nearly 200 dollars in an effort to win at the ball toss game, and spend the next few weeks debating on whether or not he should give up the scanning business in hopes of becoming a traveling carnie.

I believe that all bar scenes are basically the same. Granted, there are your obvious differences between Mosiac and the Kent Lounge, but in the end, it's simply a bunch of people, wasting their money, to try and have a few drinks, relax, enjoy their time spent with their friends, and perhaps meet new people. Those of you who believe you are too good or too old or too young to drink at a certain establishment, well, get over yourself girlfriend, your just not that hot.



I wonder what would have happened if Bo Jackson, never injured his hip. Just give him the ball in Tecmo Super Bowl and you will see what I mean.

I believe that country music, when sung at a fast pace, and by a man, is God's gift to music. I don't know what it is about women's country music, or slow country music, but I just can't do it. That being said, Taylor Swift is still worth watching.


I wonder if Creech, Baby Creech, and Brann, were really on Busted. Seriously, I've spent hours searching MTV and the Internet and found no signs of this statement being true. Many of friends have done the same thing in a attempt to see the Creech household on MTV, and all have failed in the process.


I believe that ADD is a myth. It's not that you can't focus, you just don't want too. Work and school are just not as much fun as the five straight hours you spent tuned into a video game or wrapped up in another hobby of yours. In no way shape or form am I saying that Adderall or Concerta, does not work, it's just simply steroids for students and those working outside of Major League Baseball and the World Wrestling Federation.

I wonder why some people are Atheists or believe in the theory of the Big Bang. Do you really think a bunch of gases somehow got mixed together and were able to bring us the likes of Flava Flav, Dennis Rodman, and Joan Rivers.

I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontang are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe that there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning, rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

Well not really all that, I just stole that from Crash Davis, and I believe that Bull Durham is the greatest sports movie ever written and if anyone truly writes a movie about baseball without finding a spot for Kevin Costner, they have screwed up. Also I was running short on time and had to bring an end to this nonsense somehow.