If He Can Do That With Only One Ball.......

Certain people have the ability to gather massive amounts of hype and exposure from the mere idea of their sole presence. Just take a look at the whole Brett Favre ordeal, the man's possible return to the NFL was one of the main topics in the world of sports media throughout the whole summer. Another person who has reached that pinnacle of fame visited Baltimore this weekend. After several unfulfilled promises, and much speculation, the Pharmacist finally graced Baltimore with his presence. While my time spent with the pharmacist was limited, he was able to live up to all the hype. Whether it was his obnoxiously loud consumption of Sun Chips that led to my abrupt awakening at 5 in the morning as to the overall safety of 615 South Curley street or his in-depth discussion of the finer details of his retail business, amusement was never far behind. As a result of his trip, an abunduance of girls in the Towson area have been sexually harrassed by Steve in a attempt to get the Pharmacist laid, and as one would would expect, there were supposedly quite a few takers. I mean, any man who boldy rocks an Albert Einstein shirt to the bar, should be able to pull off mad trim.

Speaking of mad trim, any man who rocks a pink bandanna, neon green button down, while blaring Ja Rule in a 1980's convertible mustang, should not be able to pull down mad trim. Although he may still be eating burritos at the Chipotle next to Pasta Mista and Panera on Boston Street, where I supposedly ate a numerous amount of times last summer, and not quite trying to pull down mad trim. Either way it's just a thought.

The football season is rapidly approaching us and the fantasy action is starting to heat up. At weekend's end, I found myself one draft down, with two to go. Unfourtunately, there were some technical difficulties on Sunday and Big Body and I were forced to resort to the Yahoo defualt league, but I will make do.

Speaking of Brett Favre, football, and fantasy football, come week 8, when the Vikings travel to Lambeau, I'd reccomend inserting the man who once pursued Cameron Diaz into the starting lineup. Brett Favre, in Green Bay, in a Viking uniform seems to equal bad news for the Packers, at least in my mind.

I recently finished reading Lance Armstrong's book "It's Not About the Bike" with Sally Jenkins and must say I reccomend to anyone that is literate. It's a quick read and it actually made me develop an interest in competitive biking. Any man who can dominate his sport like none other, survive cancer, and pull off Sheryl Crow deserves two thumbs up in my book. Now, it's on to reading about the trials and tribulations of Donald Trump.

Team Skeezer Is Introduced to Online Dating

I couldn't sleep the other night, and started browsing through television stations hoping to find something amusing enough to garner my interest until I drifted off to never never land, and sure enough the Versus channel came through with a dandy. They were broadcasting a movie about one of the greatest basketball duo's to ever graze the court. Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle, the salt and pepper street hustling duo that made themselves famous on the blacktops of Los Angeles. For those of you who are a little behind and not quite catching my drift, Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle are the stars of one of the greatest American sports films of all-time, White Men Can't Jump. At some point during the movie there is a scene, where Sidney who is played by Wesley Snipes, issues a challenge to two potential suitors, proudly boasting that he could beat these two guys with the help of any other guy watching, telling his challengers to select his teammate. Now, this appeals to the interest of the opposition and they begin grazing the court for Sidney's partner, and to no one's surprise they select Billy, who is sitting down nearside, sporting a Wayne Gretzky jersey and backwards cap. Instantly, Billy proves that he truly is one of the best gunners of Louisiana college basketball since Pistol Pete, and him and Sidney easily handle their two competitors. The movie has plenty of other interesting scenes, but it was this particular one that got me thinking.

If a similiar situation were to unravel today in the world of professional sports, who would be the most unlikely superstar? After a brief mental debate, I once again landed in the sunny state of California. Although this time, we travel to San Francisco, and find a man named Tim. Tim Lincecum that is, the star right handed pitcher of the San Francisco Giants, whose long hair and physical stature couldn't strike fear into the heart of a young kitten, but his imposing fastball and swooping curve have struck fear into lineups across the National League. In all seriousness, Tim Lincecum looks more like a kid who would suffer health problems from a 27 hour binger on World of Warcraft than that of a man hard pressed to be a back-to-back Cy Young Winner. For some reason I could just picture a few guys on a baseball diamond somewhere, talking lots of smack, and one guy saying anybody on the field could strike you out, and that guy surveying his options and selecting Lincecum. At which point, this dude would be bamboozled and probably fall over in the batter's box. But anyways, I just wanted to throw out my props to the long haired righty, who does a better job resembling that dude from Dazed and Confused, than an intimdating prescence such as Bob Gibson on the mound, that is of course until you step into that batter's box.


I was enjoying the finer parts of an Orioles baseball game the other evening, and that finer part is the outside area surrounding Pickles and Sliders, when somehow a conversation arose that gathered my interest. It was regarding this woman's quest to find love via the internet. As you may know, I have ventured into my thought's on online dating twice now, once in regards to a former roommate of Julia, and once in regards to a girl who was hit on by Batman. Nevertheless, this girl began to talk about her feelings on the whole issue and offered a stunning revelation. Supposedly, all the 20 some year old guys that get involved with online dating fall into two catergories. They are either socially awkward or they just want to get laid. For some reason, after six months of paying a social networking site for their services, this girl finally came to this realization. I guess it took six months of paying fees to realize that someone who has to resort to paying a website to create an opportunity for himself to meet women, would be socially awkward. For hells sake, Mike Fick of all people has picked up women in traffic jams and 7-11, and these guys have to pay for the opportunity to describe their best details to a world of discourage women looking for their shot at love. It's a funny place we live in, and I'm sure Jay is out there somewhere surfing the dating websties as we speak. As for the guys out there just to get laid, well that's a whole another ballgame, and I'm not going to go there just now. But for a sidenote, following this conversation Jamal and Bobby signed up and are now representing Team Skeezer via the world wide web. Also, if you feel like a good laugh and listening to good music at the same time, check out Brad Paisley's music video "Online" on YouTube. You won't be dissappointed.

Baby Creech made an appearance in the greater Baltimore metropolitan area, and now that he is a free man he has decided to rock a guido hair cut that can put the fellas from "Growing Up Gotti" and even Matt Payne to shame. Loose women everywhere should be on the lookout, just ask Brann about that one.

"Even the Sun Shines on A Dog's Ass Someday."

Michael Vick Is an Eagle, So Hide Your Beagle!

In one of my more recent posts, I mentioned that I hoped Michael Vick would never play football again in the United States and I firmly believed it when I wrote it. Than Thursday happened and I had a complete change of heart. Michael Vick will now be playing football in the City of Brotherly Love, a horrible place known as Philadelphia and there couldn't be a better fit. The most hated player in all of the NFL gets to go to the city with the most ignorant, disgruntled, and idiotic fans in all of professional sports. A franchise who has never had an opportunity to hoist the Lombardi trophy just signed a once overrated quarterback who hasn't played in nearly three years and will immediately serve as the biggest distraction in Philly since T.O. was in town. The Vick signing further proves that one of my life long theories is right on the money. The only thing good to ever come out of the city of Philadelphia is Rocky Balboa.

On a more positive note regarding Vick, he has managed to do one thing successfully, besides convince Andy Reid that he warrants an opportunity and that is the man has brought out the idiots. Sports talk radio has never been as amusing as it is at this moment. The idiots are coming out from the wood works. I heard one dumb ass compare dog fighting to lynching in the south and another numbskull compare it to hunting. Idiots, their everywhere.

Rumor has it that the pharmacist will be making an appearance in the Baltimore area next weekend and I couldn't be more excited. Hopefully, he shows up at the bar with his Albert Einstein t-shirt that he obtained while grazing the Princeton University Library and pulls off mad trim at the bar and helps further the legend that is the pharmacist even more. I'm sure Steve is having a wet dream about the reuninon right now. As for CVS, Walgreen's, and Wal-Mart they may be a bit worried, because their overall sales of women's deodorant, fabric cleaner's, and other household cleaning supplies, may take a significant hit. Supposedly, there may be some drama unwinding between him and his divorce over the always wonderful Sam Kam, but I hope it is all resolved before week's end.

For the first time in my twenty-four years of life, I witnessed a baseball player hit for the cycle live last night as Felix Pie came through with a triple in the midst of the Orioles rout of the Angels. I was quite surprised I was able to see the cycle unfold actually as there were plenty of distractions all around me. Whether it was 18 year old boys who were obsessed with the awesomeness that is Jamal or Jess's numerous attempts to have people touch her nuts, the distractions were quite frequent, but nonetheless there was plenty of great baseball to be seen.

Strippers and Pre-Season Football

I've received a few phone calls and text messages this week from various people wondering what I have planned for the Ravens-Redskins pre-season game on Thursday. Not too mention, I have seen even more people post stupid status messages on Facebook regarding how excited they are that the NFL season has begun and there is finally football to watch. Despite all this attention, I could not give one rat's ass about pre-season football. It's pointless, the majority of the veterans and more talented players are just half-assing their way through the action so they can receive their paycheck and help the NFL boost revenue. Not one of them gives a damn and the only thing you can truly hope for in the post-season is that a star player does not go down with an injury, but yet their are thousands of football fans who love to talk trash and brag about how well "their" team has looked during the pre-season and it's just a sign of an up and coming Superbowl run. Basically, I consider the NFL pre-season to be along the same lines of a strip club. Thousands of guys across the country go into the game or club with their hopes overly exposed, with their pockets full of cash or their dreams of Byron Leftwich actually becoming the quarterback he was once expected to be out of Marshall, only to come away with the realization that they just blew a boatload of cash on a stripper named Minnie Mouse and are still going home to only the right hand, or the realization that after week 1 of the regular season, Leftwich will once again be exposed as an ungodly immobile quarterback, with a cannon for an arm, no confidence, no accuracy, and very few W's under the belt. The NFL pre-season, it's just not all it's cracked up to be.


I'm looking forward to this weekend because Friday I will get the opportunity to combine a few of my favorite things in life. The Orioles, Pickles Pub, and people. Plus, to make things more exciting Chris Tillman is on the mound and I'm looking forward to seeing the kid pitch. If he develops like he is projected too the Orioles rotation could actually be somewhat formidable next season with him, Bergesen, Hernandez, Matsusz, and whoever the hell else we decide to throw into the mix, most likely the home run friendly Jeremy Guthrie. I may even try and get over to the stadium early, because Mickey Tettleton and Mike Deveraux will be signing autographs, and Mickey Tettleton hold's the bat funny.

Than on Saturday, I am supposed to make an appearance at Mosiac for Bobby's birthday and a 20 dollar holla. The only problem is I am supposed to be a late stay at the Glory Days, which means it is very unlikely that I would get out at a respectable enough time to head down to Powerplant. Despite my problems reaching Powerplant, it seems that the probability of me running into Smedium Saturday night should be very high, because the little bastard has been sneaking into my basement and shacking up in my bed on the regular. So once again I want to send out my apologies to Jess, because the likelyhood of you receiving another late night booty call via text is very probable. The only thing that has yet to be determined is if you will be invited to the couch or to the bed.

Michael Vick and a Run-In with A Former Roommate

Every time I turn I've turned on ESPN recently there has been someone debating the whereabouts of where Michael Vick will play next season. I've heard mention of every team from the Dolphins to the Cowboys to the Patriots and Packers. There has even been talk of him joining up with J.P. Losman and heading to the USFL. Now, my personal thought on the whole Vick thing, is I hope the guy never plays another game of football in the United States. To be quite frank, I'd much rather see Bill Romanowski make a return to the game, and we all certainly know if he does return to the NFL, PITA will throw a tantrum that would put even Tourette's guy to shame. Nevertheless, I have come up with an idea that should keep everyone happy, from Vick to PITA, to your average football team. Michael Vick can use some of that money earned from his illegal dogfights on start a new football league in Vietnam. THE VFL, Vietnamese Football League, he could be the league's poster boy, and we all certainly know, in Vietnam, they have no problem killing dog's.

Speaking of ESPN and the National Football League, Michael Crabtree has been getting lots of attention recently. The "adviser" for the former Red Raider is claiming that Crabtree is planning on sitting out the 09 season and re-entering the draft in 2010. Supposedly, Crabtree believes he warrants top 5 money, even though he wasn't a top 5 pick and wasn't even the first receiver taken off the board. So in a attempt to earn more money, he will sit out a season, lose out on valuable experience, perhaps play in the USFL with Losman or maybe start up the VFL with Vick, and somehow become a more valuable commodity than he is now. In my mind it just doesn't add up, I am adding two and two together and just not getting four. I am however, beginning to wonder if his "adviser" is in fact the same David Wells, who claimed he threw his perfect game while blackedout, and he has just not sobered up enough to face the reality that is an NFL orginazation.

I was out and about today and ran into a former colleague of mine at the bank. Well, to be honest, this man is hardly a former colleague of mine, but I was forced to spend a few weekends with Giovanni, and they are most certainly weekends I will never forget. Giovanni, was an electrician and I met him on a Friday evening after five in June of 2008. At the time, the county played a hand in determining where Giovanni and I spent our weekends, and I am quite pleased that they no longer have that privledge and now have the freedom to choose where I can go on the weekends but as I was talking to ol' Giovanni he seemed to disagree with me whole heartedly. Supposedly, life was never better for Giovanni than the thirteen weekends he had to spend under the supervision of Baltimore County correctional officers. He claimed that just like last summer, he worked his ass off from sun up to sun down Monday through Friday as a general contractor, eexcept now he returns home only to have more housework, more bitching from his wife, and less fun. As for last year, every Thursday night, ol' Giovanni's wife was giving up the pussy on the regular. In fact his words were "every Thursday, I used to have that shit handed to me on a silver platter, now the bitch won't even look at me, so I'm stuck watching re-runs of Baywatch till 3 in the morning on the weekends." Not too mention, he was quite displeased that he no longer had time to play cards with the guys, watch movies, and enjoy a meal on someone else's tab. I don't know the lifestyle wasn't for me, but maybe it's more suited for a guy like Giovanni.

Speaking of jail, the word on the street is baby Creech's release date is rapidly approaching. I believe it's somewhere around the 22nd of August, and I will most certainly do whatever it take's to make sure I am there for the celebration. I mean hell, the last time I drank beers with the kid, Smedium got lit up like the 4th of July, and I was running down Dulaney Valley diving beyond barriers to avoid getting shot at by an unlicensed cab driver with a teardrop tattoo. Throw in the fact that kid has already made a claim that if he has no female options at last call hes willing to hit up the 275 pound woman, well, let's just say it should be one for the ages.