The Girl Who Always Has Penis in Her Mouth

For the second time in less than a week, I decided to make a spur of a moment decision and head down to the Orioles game at the last minute. As of 6:30 P.M. I had all but settled in for the evening, when I experienced a revelation and decided that Camden Yards was a must for the evening. Well, maybe it was not so much as a revelation as it was a phone call telling me certain background checks had not been verified and I would have Wednesday off. Several minutes later, I'm pulling into the light rail station at Mt. Washington Tavern and flying solo towards downtown Baltimore.

Upon entering the station, I was slightly disappointed that I was not one of the first 10,000 fans over the age of 15 and would not be receiving a free Aubrey Huff t-shirt. Any player who throws aggressive fist bumps after taking Joba Chamberlain deep is a fan in my book, as Joba Chamberlain almost defines all that is wrong with the Evil Empire. Now, after flying solo on the light rail, I got to play another fun game, this time I was playing third wheel as I met up with Chris and Jen in the left field bleachers, that would also be the second time in less than a week that I played that game at the ballpark, although this one was far more jovial. Plus, anyone who knows Chris and Jen, knows that plenty of magic can occur at the Orioles game, not solely just Orioles magic, as it wasn't long ago that a Tejada jersey and a jumbotron started a little magic of their own. Since I left rather late, I boarded the light rail after the first pitch, I missed lot's of early offense on the Rays part,they put up five runs in the second and with each outing I'm beginning to believe more and more that Mark Hendrickson should have taken advantage of his tall frame and stuck to basketball, because the lanky southpaw is certainly no Randy Johnson on the mound. Nevertheless, as a result of 2nd inning shelling the Rays put on, I was able to catch the bottom of the second inning and watch Adam Jones prove that he is The Truth as he went deep for the second time and put the O's in front for good.

Several innings later I ventured away from the two lovebirds, and headed north to meet up with another group of people I knew that were in attendance. While this group may not have been as loving, they were certainly plenty entertaining. Although, at times it was a bit awkward, because one of the females I was sitting with doesn't go anywhere without a penis in her mouth, including Oriole games, and no, that is not a typo. So when your sitting with a girl who doesn't go anywhere without a penis in her mouth and her innocent disapproving sister, there tends to be a few awkward moments. Especially, when you throw in that penis girls, ex-boyfriend and his fraternity brothers are just two sections across to the left. However, I found several people in her vicinity that I could enjoy meaningful conversation with and watch the conclusion of the game, and I must say I was pleasantly surprised, when big George Sherrill came on in the 9th and actually did what a closer is supposed to do.

After the conclusion of the game, I went my separate ways from penis girl and her posse, and once again boarded the light rail, flying solo. With this in mind, I have ridden the light rail home from O's game on numerous occasions. Typically, these ride homes, I am with the companionship or others and am rocking a mild to heavy buzz, last night though, was far different. I was also dead sober. So being that I had no one to converse with, I played the role of the quiet listener, which almost proved to be as much fun. There were two dominating presences on the light rail, and I became a fan of one, and was not quite the biggest fan of the other. The first guy, made Ross and Smedium look like men of average height, which until last night I did not know was possible, unless you were a midget. But, it was more of attitude that impressed me. The little man, was running up and down the light rail, claiming to his buddies that he would get a cougar to have a drink with him at Mt. Washington Tavern and I gotta give it to him he did not lack the confidence as he approached every middle aged woman on the light rail and invited them to the Tavern, although he failed miserably. Despite every rejection though, he went up to the next middle aged women with more and more confidence, convinced that this was gonna be his cougar, even if she was sitting next to her husband. His effort was incredible and certainly merited recognition. He also was starting chants, made friends with a retarded guy, and convinced two large security guards to grab a beer at the Tavern. When he invited me to join in on the festivities, I was more than tempted to oblige, but I had other issues to take care of and had to reject the offer.

The second guy, the one I did not find as amusing, was the definite leader of the group he was with and posted lots of confidence with every remark he said, but it was the fact, that every remark he said was incorrect. He began by talking about how Ryan Zimmerman singled in the first inning to extend his hitting streak to 28 games, while in reality, Ryan Zimmerman singled in the first inning to extend his hit streak to 30 games. After that, he went on about how stupid Andy McPhail is for not trading Sherrill for Jack Cust and at this point I wanted to stand up from out of my seat and smack him in the face. Granted, Cust should be good for 30 dingers a year and Sherrill has his problems, but for starters I believe the Orioles have a pretty good right fielder, have plenty of left handed power, and don't really need a former Oriole who has never driven in 100 rbi's in a season, and strikes out more than Tyson, or myself for that matter when were blacked out and are trying to hit on women at the Kent. As soon as this clown finished his rant on Cust, he went on about how excited he was at the start of the WBC, he was rocking a Roberts USA jersey, when B-Rob was invited to the team, and assuming he was watching the same WBC the rest of the world was, Roberts only joined the team as a replacement after Dustin Pedoria fell victim to injury. To make matters worse, this jackass had his whole posse in awe of everything he was saying, as if was some sort of sport's genius. Idiots, there everywhere.


I just got a text from Jen, informing me that the little drunken punks, eventually started a fight with large African American trainers who worked at Merrit Athletic Club and got kicked out of the game. After reading the text, I almost wish I didn't join penis girl and her friends, because seeing these little idiots in their wife beaters talking smack to large African American men may have been equally if not more entertaining.

Throughout the time it took me to finish this entry, I have had a few phone calls and text messages from both Bobby and Booboo and if there are two more wiggin roommates out there, I certainly would like to meet them.

Game 7 of the Caps-Penguins series is tonight and it should be a classic. The series itself has been a battle, and I should be out somewhere rooting on Ovie and the Caps. Holla at yer boy.

Hippies Invade the Light Rail

First and foremost I gotta give it to my main man Perm, who proved to me on a block party in Canton Saturday, that he is a man of many talents. At some point during the evening he decided to do a little improv with the various songs being played and it was actually quite impressive. He even gave my blog a little free advertising, and next thing I know there is a man bigger than Bennett reading my blog on Corey's couch, and men bigger than Bennett do not come a long very often. After the impressive improv session, I found out that he has been coaching high school lacrosse and this came as a great surprise because when it came to sports I always thought Perm stuck to the Terps, Ravens, Orioles, and of course, his personal favorite, hogging.

After getting out of a job interview around 6:30 Friday evening, I had all but settled in and decided to pass up on the Orioles game and try and come up with other alternatives to spend my evening. However, as I was driving past York and Ridgely emotion took over me and my vehicle and the next thing I know I'm passing through a high school tailgate party and walking onto the light rail. As soon as I got close I saw Bill and Grace, not to be confused with Will and Grace from the horrendous 90's sitcom, and was soon on my way to the stadium. On the way down, some hippies from MICA hopped on the light rail, and while it didn't surprise me that hippies are a fan of public transportation, it did surprise me that they were fans of baseball. It also did not surprise me that upon their arrival, seats began to open up because of their distinct smell. I've noticed in life, that hippies tend to stray away from the standards of proper hygiene and therefore develop a smell that is quite repulsive. Andy and Damon used to even play trivia with the name "Hippies Smell" and nothing could be further from the truth.The whole time they were on the light rail, they ranted on about cultural revolutions, being free with their sexuality and style of dress, and the oppression of the government, and other ridiculous things like the need for a more peace loving environment friendly world. During this time, I just sat there with Bill going on and on about their distinct smell and awful dress. For some reason, I think one of them even had a strange attraction to me, as she insisted on sliding closer and closer and was apparently staring me down, but for some reason I do not find females with dreadlocks, and sweat stains attractive, so I managed to keep my distance. Eventually, we arrived at the stadium, and I soon found out that Booboo had failed to get me a ticket, despite claiming earlier that she would. After ignoring my phone calls through the game, I guess she finally felt it was right to call me, or she got enough alcohol in her system, and she had some bullshit excuse about how she wasn't in the ticket line she was just standing by it. Really, who just stands by the ticket line? It isn't that exciting, not that exciting at all. Nevertheless, I ended up overpaying for a ticket, they have this thing down the stadium, where they have the right to up the prices when the Yankees come to town, and it pisses me off,as a Baltimorean, I should not have to see a increase in tickets, just because thousands of collar popping, hair gel using, Yankee fans decide to make the journey down from New York and parts of jersey. So 5 innings into the game, I'm walking in to watch an overweight and overpaid lefty shut down the Orioles for the entire game,To make matters worse, Bill and Grace, decided to have relationship issues as soon as we walked in so, so I in turn had to become friends with the 60 year old man sitting next to me. But at least he provided some decent conversation.

Throughout the course of the game, I was keeping my eye out for Mary but she never popped up and I'm sure she's probably glad that happened. She tends to avoid me in social situations, especially where alcohol is involved, I have no idea why.

I try and take advantage of the fact that I own a pickup truck on a regular basis, to find secondary means of income that Uncle Sam is unaware of, so therefore, I routinely visit the Hunt Valley dump. It is far from the most lovely place, but it gets the job done, and their is an interesting pair of employees that work in the brush and shrub department there. They didn't bother me today, but once in the pastt I had an interesting run in with the duo. This occurred sometime last summer, when Creech and I were taking up residence in my parent's basement, because Smedium had failed to pay the BGE bill, and living in a house with no power in the middle of the summer especially with a roommate like Creech can be quite overwhelming. Nevertheless, the first member of this phenomenal duo, we have named Smeagol, because he resembles that crazy little character from Lord of the Rings who has an obsession with a golden ring, except Hunt Valley's version of Smeagol, is a little Mexican man who has way too much energy, and an obsession for not allowing one to drop things that are not brushes or shrubs in his area. From out of nowhere, Smeagol will come flailing his arms and legs, yelling at those who deposit some form of trash in his area, speaking the old Espanol at a very fast rate and literally confusing the whole out of you. While one is left wondering what the hell this little hyped up Mexican is saying, popping out from the piles of brushes and shrubs, will come The Enforcer. Now, until I had the fine chance to meet The Enforcer, I had no idea they made Mexican's that big. Now, the Enforcer is quite the opposite of his compadre, and just comes out walking slow, scaring the living shit out of you, and making slow gestures that get the point across. Either way, if your ever looking for a good time, dump something that doesn't belong in front of Smeagol, and just wait to see his reaction, and trust me it will be well worth it.

Zach Greinke lost his first game of the season Saturday night, despite allowing only one earned run in eight strong innings. The loss puts him at 6-1 with an E.R.A. of 0.51, with two shutouts and four complete games. He has straight up been a man amongst boys, and this comes just two year's after he had a mental breakdown. Incredible.

Cameron Diaz, Brett Favre, and a Retard

I tend to be a pretty easy going person and there are few things in life which really bother me. With this in mind, people who refuse to give the courtesy wave while out on the roads, gravely bother me. Seriously, is it that hard for someone to throw up a quick courtesy wave, when another driver takes time out of their day to give up their right away so you can go first? I just don't get it. The courtesy wave needs to be a way of life.


As of last night and even this afternoon there was every indication that Brett Favre would soon be a Minnesota Viking. However, these indications have come and gone and now the media, will probably be left pondering his next move. On a personal note, I think Favre should stay retired from the NFL. He owns basically every record there is for a quarterback, both good and bad, and set his career focus on new achievements. Can you imagine Brett Favre coming out next year not in the NFL, but in the AFL. If Favre were to play Arena Football, he could instantly demand a huge contract, compete for Chris Griesen's touchdown record of 117, and at least sell some tickets. And selling tickets is something that I'd imagine all AFL teams would probably like to do. After that, perhaps he could join the likes of Garth Brooks and Billy Crystal and get offered a spring training contract with the New York Yankees. Okay, at this point I'm beginning to stretch it a bit, but up to this point the man has proven he can basically do anything. He was great as a Packer, he was great in that movie with Cameron Diaz and a retard, he's great in those Levi commercials, and he would probably be great in the Arena Football League. Either way, it's just an idea.

Towson Town Fest and the Crease Gets Creepy

This past weekend was Towson Town fest and I think it nearly ruined my life. It was the first time in several months, quite possibly, even since the three of us lived together that I teamed up with both Creech and Smedium, and when you combine the three of us it is far from a terrific trio. Even Bob the Builder came out to completely ensure all members of the 600 Highland Avenue household were in attendance, and anytime Bob the Builder makes a public appearance, good times are bound to happen. All we needed was Lou to really light things off, although there were no covers to hide under as he was banging on the door, so it's probably good that didn't happen. There was this band called Amish Outlaws that was rocking out the beer garden, and they are quite possibly the greatest band I've ever seen. Anytime you can witness a band dressed in Amish attire rocking out to Baby Got Back, you know you must be having a good time, or you have been drinking heavily, one or the other is a true statement. Somewhere Sir-Mix-A-Lot should be proud. After the concert came to an end, things started to go downhill rather quickly, as we went barhopping throughout Towson. At one point we lost Smedium, only to find out he was taking a nap in my bed, I vanished from Fridays and due to every indication from my online banking it appears I found a Redbox Dvd although there is no movie in sight, and Creech tried to spend the night and make it to work in Calvert County, and with the night of fun he had, missing work was all but unavoidable.

I was at the Towson Town fest for a minute on Saturday as well although Saturday was far from as eventful. I did get dared by Smedium and Allie though to dance with a rather large woman with no teeth for two free beers and felt the desire to oblige. Although when she leaned in for a make out session my dancing days were over. But, I did get two free beers and two free beers is well, two free beers.

While visiting Planet Fitness yesterday evening, I noticed that they have signs across the gym encouraging Monday night as pizza night, and that just kind of confused me. Now while I am a huge fan of eating pizza, in fact I probably am about to do so, I would never have expected a gym to encourage such a thing. Could you ever imagine walking into a bar and seeing signs posted for a chips and soda night? Probably not. I figure there kinda on the same lines.

The idea of a chips and soda night at a bar, brings me back a few years. Several years ago, I was out and about the Towson area, barhopping with Corey and we decided to venture over to the Crease. Upon our arrival, there were parents sitting at tables with Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and chips and dip. Beyond the parents, there was a large group of kids that seemed to be no older than sixteen dancing away. Well you might have been able to call it dancing, it was an attempt. In all honesty, I could have gotten out on that dance floor, shown off my moves, and the girls would have probably flocked to me, cause I was lighting up the dance floor compared to what is out there, and that is a bold statement. A very bold statement. Because farm boys in Iowa, probably have better dance moves than I do. But call Corey I guarantee you everything I have just said is true. It was by far one of the creepiest things, I have ever seen upon walking into a bar. Needless to say, the two of us did not stick around and soon were on our way elsewhere.

Did anyone watch the Caps-Penguins game last night and honestly not utter these exact words? Alex Fuckin Ovechkin!

There are Few Things I Know In Life, But This Is One

When Derrick Rose stepped to the foul line last night, did anyone else have flashbacks to the NCAA championship when Rose and CDR consistently missed crucial free throw after crucial free throw and basically handed Kansas the national championship? Now, I don't know what the spread was last night, but it's quite possible that Rose once again pissed off degenerate gamblers across the nation last night. Either way, the series is really one for the ages, and I am still kinda mystified as to how he recovered enough to block Rondo's shot in the final seconds. Game 7 should be a classic. I'm going with the Celtic's though, at least to pull off the W.

Tomorrow, Alexander the Great and Sid the Kid, begin battle. While, we have just witnessed what may be one of the greatest opening rounds to the NBA playoffs, this series should do the very same for the NHL. We have the three greatest players in the NHL, squaring off in the second round, and it should provide for some pretty entertaining hockey to say the least. This could very well be the most entertaining hockey series since the late 90's, when the Colorado Avalanche and Detroit Red Wings were battling it on a frequent basis. Gotta love some Claude Lemieux action.

I got one of those stupid little survey questions via Facebook from Damon today, asking me if I was worried about this whole swine flu epidemic that is spreading across the nation. I clicked no, and was soon on my way. And in all serious, I truthfully have more concern about whether or not the Orioles win tonight or when we will eventually rock out a large group to the laser tag facility me and Steve discovered this week, than the swine flu. I'm sorry if that makes me sound like a unconcerned asshole, but it's the honest to god truth.

This is probably one of my least interesting entries I have put forth in a while, but there's comes a time when you are going to have that. Now,there are a few things I know in life, and there are a few things I know when it comes to those who read my blog. I know there are avid readers who follow my blog on a regular basis, and to those who do good for you. I also realize there are others who tend to read my blog on a far less regular basis. Chances are they take a glimpse at the title, the opening picture, or just scroll up and down looking for their name or one of their freind's name and than just read that paragraph. Now, I have no problem with these people, in fact I am probably a huge fan of all of them. But, as I previously mentioned, there are few things I know in life and I am about to tell all of you on of those things. There is no reason, whatsoever, that there should be a picture today on my blog of a topless Matthew McConaughey. But I can guarantee you one thing, and that one thing is about one of my readers. When Creech, logged onto the internet and took a glimpse at my blog today, he read the entire blog, top to bottom. Even if he did just speed read through the whole entry, he definitely viewed it top to bottom because a topless Matthew McConaughey was the featured picture. That is all.