Employees Must Wash Their Genitals

With a quick glimpse before I signed into this site, I was able to notice that my blog is currently advertising merchandise for the Seattle Seahawks and I found this as odd. In this blog, I have on numerous times mentioned the Ravens and Brett Favre. I have even brought up several references for my intense dislike and hatred of Michael Vick and the Philadelphia Eagles, but never before, have I mentioned the Seattle Seahawks. It's not that I have problems with the Seahawks or anything, they just happen to be a team that no one really seems to care for, at least in the greater Baltimore metropolitan area. Unless your a gambling addict and are hoping the Seahawks cover the spread or a fantasy football junkie and where frustrated with Matt Hasselbeck's performance last week, there is no real reason for you to show any faint sign of interest in the Seahawks. However, there is at least one Seahawks fan in the general vicinity of Towson and she happens to sport a personalized jersey.

Now, personally, I am far from the biggest fan of personalized jerseys. In most cases, they are unoriginal and frankly somewhat pathetic. Granted, there are a few exceptions where personalized jerseys are acceptable and sometimes even deserve merit. One of these cases, is Mama Stills personalized jersey. It simply says "Mama Stills" and Mama Stills is represented with the number one. Now, if you have ever met Mama Stills, you would know that the woman is simply amazing and that no jersey or number could suit someone better. There is even a guy who has Ravens tickets in the vicinity of Andy who has a jersey with the name "Dalia Lama" on the back, and I've grown to accept that. However, one personalized, jersey I have not grown to accept is the one worn by the Seahawks fan I was referring too earlier. This particular Seahawks fan is a woman, and she wears a Seahawks jersey with the name "She Hawk." To make matters worse, she watches every game at Gloomy Days and that combination is just one that is downright miserable. But, every week she wears this horrible creation out to the restaurant as if she thinks she is super creative or something. It's just anything but original and creative. As far as the number for "She Hawk", well I'm not quite sure. Perhaps the number is 69, and she is really representing the name of the star of some low budget lesbian porno featuring Seahawk cheerleaders where the main stars name was "She Hawk." But, that would probably only happen in Carolina, at least the whole lesbian cheerleader thing.


Anyways enough for worthless talk about personalized jerseys and lesbian pornography, and onto something else. Last Sunday, I headed down to the Canton area to meet up with Corey, Ryan, Tyson, and Theo at Caladagh's to watch the Ravens- Vikings game. Once again, the game came down to the final minute, and once again the Ravens lost. I try to stay positive and upbeat, some I'm going to avoid expressing my thoughts on the game and instead focus on what happened after the game. With the game still lingering heavily on our thoughts, Tyson was able to convince me that the best way to get over the loss was a jager bomb and a trip to a place called Busters. Busters is another bar in the Highlandtown area that Tyson has become quite frequent of visiting and it didn't take me long to figure out why he is such a fan. Busters is this small bar, located on the corner of Bouldin and Lombard. It is not to be confused with Clocks, which is the bar in Highlandtown where the toothless old women believe Tyson looks like Joe Flacco. In some aspects, it almost looks like a run down business, as there is no sign indicating the presence of a bar. To gain admittance to Busters, one must be buzzed in from the bartender. And it is once you get inside, that things become interesting. Until Tyson and I stormed in late that Sunday afternoon, the average age of the people drinking in Busters was probably 64. Within a matter of moments, I was introduced to the bartender, a lovely lady named Marg, who loves to sing and has an intense hatred for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Anyways, it didn't take long for Tyson and I to gather the interest of Marg as we were able to convince some of our colleagues to join us for the Busters experience. Soon, Kohler, Beck, Lindsay, Julia, and ADubs were partaking in the awesomeness that is Busters. We proceeded to watch the conclusion of the Jets-Bills game at Busters, which was just ugly, as Mark Sanchez tossed up five interceptions. Eventually, the alcohol started to run it's course and I was forced to head in another direction. However, the next morning, I woke up with one thought.......how in the world does one spend 60 bucks in less than two hours at a bar where the most expensive drink in the house is two bucks??

Supposedly, though Marg was able to make a positive impression on someone other than Tyson or myself and ADubs has become quite the fan of the place. She was supposedly talking to Kohler on Saturday night and whenever he returns from his most recent business trip, there will be another outing at Busters. Count me in for some 2 dollar shots and games of shuffleboard.


Earlier in this post, I mentioned that Mama Stills rocks a personalized jersey with the number one, and the number one got me thinking. So I did the most reasonable thing and googled "athletes who wore the number one." My results led me to a very interesting piece published by Sports Illustrated. The piece listed every number from 00-99, and the best athlete to ever wear that number. For the most part, I agreed with their selections, however I did have a few discrepancies.

#7- John Elway over Mickey Mantle. I know Elway won two Superbowls, led the Broncos on numerous fourth quarter comebacks, and helped define the modern quarterback, but Mantle, won a Triple Crown, personified a nation, and was the backbone of one of the most fearsome 3-4 combos in the history of Major League Baseball in 1961.

#35 Phil Neikro over Rickey Henderson. Granted, Neikro did win 318 games in his major league career, but Henderson is one of the best ever. His record for stolen bases, will never be broken, and he is also baseball's all-time leader in runs and walks.

#45 Pedro Martinez over Bob Gibson- Whenever Pedro retires, he will most certainly be a hall of famer, but he is no Gibson. It's possible, that Gibson is the most intimidating pitcher of all time. Do yourself a favor and google Bob Gibson and 1968.

#91- Sergei Federov over Dennis Rodman. Federov was one of the main centerpieces in the Red Wings run during the 1990's but Rodman was a master of the sport of basketball. Possibly, the greatest rebounder in the history of the sport, Rodman was also a two time defensive player of the year and five time NBA Champion. An all-nba defensive first team selection 7 times, Rodman helped defined the Bad Boys of Detriot and helped Michael Jordan and the Bulls win a record 72 games.

#96- Cortez Kennedy over Pavel Bure. Cortez was a dominating defensive force for the Seahawks, but Bure was simply lightning in a bottle. At 5"10 and only 160 lbs, Bure was amazingly quick and could score goals with ease, twice topping the 60 goal mark in a season. Plus, he banged Anna Kournikova and that alone should give him the nod but if your still not sold, take off his helmet, and he could almost pass for Brann. Although, I don't think Brann is pulling off Anna Kournikova anytime soon, she may be a step up for team Skeezer.

Wally Waltzman

Every so often, well once a month to be exact, the state of Maryland requires that I stop by and chat with this old nasty broad that works for the department of parole and probation. To be honest, I don't really blame her for being old and nasty. Age is something one can't control and I'd imagine being nasty pretty much comes hand in hand with being a parole agent. Anyways, as I was walking out of the building last week and I ran into an old neighbor, none other than Wally Waltzman.

I lived next to Wally for a brief period of time during my sophomore year of high school. During these few short months, I got too know Wally pretty well, even though it may not have been by choice. The man just wouldn't leave anyone alone. He would simply bother every neighbor on the block for hours on end. To make things worse, Wally had no shame whatsoever. There would be certain times, where I would be shooting baskets in the driveway and ol Wally would just hop the fence and come on over and begin rambling on and on about his troubles.

Now, part of the reason that Wally was always walking around the neighborhood, looking for some soul to spill all of his concerns too, was that it his business was struggling. You see, Wally was a traveling watch salesman, and as you can probably imagine, the traveling watch business does not provide one with the most demanding of schedules. I can't quite remember the brand of watches that Mr.Waltzman sold, but I can remember he swore that they were Rolex's newest and biggest competitor. I also remember that he spent lots of time traveling to small rural settings. Rural settings where supposedly the places where Wally could make a killing and get a complete weeks pay done in one day. So every Monday and Tuesday, Wally would travel to places like Shrewsbury, Pennsylvania and Wheeling, West Virginia to do his watch sales. After Wally tore through the wallets of these country folks, he would return home to Hampton to pester his neighbors for the remainder of the week.

Anyways, my parents eventually moved, and I was forced to part ways with Wally. That is until last week, when I saw Wally walking into the office of parole and probation. He was there because he supposedly had a bit too much too drink trying to make a sale recently, and as a result got slammed for a DUI. However, I was able to find out, that Wally has moved on from the world of watches and is now selling water filtration systems and is finally making the big bucks. He told me he could get me a job and I could be making 100,000 grand in only a few years, but for some reason I wasn't interested.

"What you talkin bout Willis?"

Typically when it comes to television, my focus is shifted solely towards Sportscenter and sporting events. As a result of this tendency, I have not taken full advantage of Comcast's On Demand option as so many of my friends have. However, this past week, I was informed of a television show that is currently on Comcast, and I couldn't be more pleased. The sitcom of a one-time hopeful for the Governor's seat of California, is currently being aired on Comcast. Diff'rent Strokes is being featured On Demand, and when it comes to tv stars, there are few as entertaining as Arnold Jackson. Too bad Gary Coleman, couldn't be more like Arnold Jackson in real life, because the political tag team of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arnold Jackson would be mesmerizing.

Stunning development in the world of fantasy football. Last week, the man who drafted a kicker and defense in the first two rounds, delivered the Toyota Biggest Fantasy Football blowout of the week by crushing Mike Fick's Shockers 163-113. In the words of Sydney Deane "Even the Sun shines on a dog's ass some days."

Last Thursday, I stopped by Bobby's apartment after work to watch the end of what turned out to be quite the disappointing Capitals game. For some reason, Jose Theodore decided it was alright to fall asleep while minding the net, and the Rangers were able to score on two pathetic shots from behind the blue line in the third period. After the embarrassing display though, I ventured out to someplace were people Thank God that its Friday. Shortly, after my arrival, it came to my attention that when the clock strikes 12, everyone at Friday's gets a free shot from a monkey. From out of the kitchen, a giant monkey comes running into the bar, and just starts handing out free shots, like its Christmas or something. Several minutes later, the giant gorilla disappears forever. It can be kinda confusing if you've had a bit too many, but nonetheless, it's quite amusing and if your in the mood for something to do around midnight on a Thursday, I'd recommend checking it out.

Every year around this time, I have resorted to finding a different spot to watch football on Sunday's. Several years back it was the Fick household and Padonia Station. Last year it was Orchard Landing. This year, I have been spending a good bit of time on Sundays at Cladaughs. With their great wing special, and Theo becoming quite the restaurant favorite, it's a great place to watch the Ravens. So if your in the Canton area Sunday, you will know where to find me and if you don't know where Cladaugh's is just listen for Theo cheering when the Ravens score a touchdown.

The Nightmares of Mike McCarthy Come True

Everyone has nightmares. Certain fears that keep them up at night or cause them to awake with the chills. Last night, the nightmares of Mike McCarthy, Mark Murphy, and Ted Thompson came true as Brett Favre demoralized the tough Packers defense with an aerial assault in front of millions watching Monday Night Football. Midway during the second quarter, the cameras focused in on an overwhelmed McCarthy, who looked to be cursing Brett Favre, and the rest of the football gods. It wasn't too long ago that McCarthy, Murphy, Thompson and the rest of the Packers organization offered Favre millions of dollars, to stay retired, Favre resisted the offer, and the Packers did the next most reasonable thing, trade him to a team in the AFC East. Trade him to a team hundreds of miles away, in hopes that they would never have to go face-to-face with the living legend. Their plan failed. A year later, Brett Favre had no contractual obligations, and found himself back in the division where he once reigned. Back in the NFC North, although this time as a member of the Minnesota Vikings, a team that desperately wanted him in 2008 as well.

If you were watching last night's game, it shouldn't have taken you long too realize that it was Favre's night. Although, the Vikings are most certainly Adrian Peterson's team, last night was Favre's moment to shine, and there was no greater spotlight than Monday Night Football. How else can you explain a one yard touchdown pass, when you have the most dominant athlete in the game in your backfield. With each completed pass and each of his three touchdown's, Favre's jubilant behavior was expressed to millions of viewers. His love for the game is still there, and he proved last night against a stout defense, that he can still win the game with his arm. As for the Packers, you can definitely argue that they made the right call. Aaron Rodgers is a fine young quarterback, and he put up some pretty stealthy numbers himself last night. The man threw for nearly 400 yards, and managed to make the game somewhat interesting towards the end. Had he not of been hampered by a weak offensive line, and the presence of Jared Allen, things may have been different. But either way, when a living legend, steps out of retirement, to play in the division, that he was once the heart and soul of, one word comes to mind. Revenge. Just wait till November when Favre marches into Lambeau. It should be one for the ages.

The sad thing is, for some reason, most people seem to dislike Brett Favre, now, and I consider that to be somewhat of an outrage. The man has done nothing but embrace the game of football, step up in the spotlight, and do whatever it takes for his team to win. Did anyone catch the block Favre laid on Patrick Willis in Week 3? Supposedly, it has something to do with him scarring his legacy by stepping out of retirement multiple times. There's some thought process created somewhere, that athletes are supposed to retire at the prime of their ability, and go off into the wind on top of the world. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit, and the only reason your mad about Favre still playing, is because the media played too much damn attention to it. Michael Jordan came back to play with the Wizards and they were horrible. Muhammad Ali kept boxing way past his prime. Rickey Henderson, played for the Long Island Ducks at age 45. There may only be a few people that read this blog, that even know the Long Island Ducks were a professional team. The truth of the matter is Brett Favre is only 39 years old and is still working hard. Ask the average 39 year old in the working force, if they could contemplate retirement for several months, and than decide at the last minute to come back and make millions......Umm don't because you would be wasting your time, they would, you would, get over it, already.

It wasn't long ago that I predicted that when Favre faces Green Bay for the first time he will put up some pretty hefty numbers. I even mentioned that whoever drafted him in fantasy should put him in as a sure fire starter. However, I failed to do that last night. I guess it had something to do with the fact, that I was playing a guy who drafted Sebastian Janikowski with the first overall pick.