BobbyLite Fest 2k9

As I have mentioned before my weekend routine last June was far from favorable and as a result, I missed nearly all of Bobby Lite Fest 2k8. I was actually kinda pissed at Bobby for awhile there, but I soon found out that I was more than welcome to crash at Bobby's and a manipulative lil' asshole named Smedium had just conned his way into finding a safe ride back to Baltimore. I swear as soon as I called the little piece
of shit, he probably spent the whole forty five minutes it took me to get there, thinking of every possible rebuttal to get me to drive him back home, and needless to say he succeed. To make matters worse, upon my return to Baltimore, I was greeted in quite the horrifying manner. I walk inside my house, only to see Creech admiring himself in all his nakedness because he had shaved a heart out of his chest hair. He thought this was the funniest thing ever and began to chase Smedium around the house, somehow he eventually put some clothes on, and the two of us went over to Tyson's were Benson, Major, and Townsend were pretending to be British astronaut's, but that's a different story for a different day.

Anyways, BobbyLite Fest 2k9, was quite possibly all it was cracked up to be. Booboo was blacked out and put on alcohol restriction by 4, there was plenty of delicious food, Jamal's little puppy enjoyed herself, and BobbyLite stole the #1 highlight of the day as he got some serious air during a round of tubing. I was even mocked a little bit by Bobby's parents for being the kid that drove all the way from Baltimore last year only to turn around and drive back home within the hour, but Booboo and Bobby did manage to help me redeem some self-esteem by convincing them that Smedium really can a be manipulative lying son-of-a-bitch at times. Hell, at some point during the day, Calvert County arrived and Creech actually made a somewhat serious and truthful comment. It was in reference to my blog, specifically in reference to Jen Jones. He stated that I underestimated the creepiness of that girl and the creepiness of the things that were coming out of her mouth and he couldn't of been more on point. The sad thing though is there isn't that much I think I can do to help you understand just how terrifying it truly was, but I can add a few details that I forgot to include. At one point, Jen wandered away from the basement and upon her return, I was forced to wandering around my house checking to make sure everything seemed to be in place, as of today, I am still dreading the moment I overhear my mother is missing a piece of jewelry. Also, Creech pretended to be passed out on the couch, so the girl wouldn't talk to him anymore and would let him be and there was a bizarre car trip to 7-11 as well. Anyways, I'm glad I'm done with that girl.

I don't quite know what it is, but June and July have never been the best month's of the year for me. I'm not really gonna go into all this, but if you wanna know the saga that is my life in June and July, just call Bennett, he loves to speak about Geilfuss in June and July.

As for this June, my biggest issue has been my financial state and maintaining employment. Hell, Saturday I made the decision to part ways with Applebee's, because it was quite possibly the worst place I have ever worked. The funny thing is they have since called me twice, wondering when I would like to schedule my second day of training, completely ignoring the fact that I just didn't show up because it was the worst run establishment I have ever seen. For starters, they only had one employee who has reached the qualifications that an Applebee's restaurant requires for one to train new employee's, and my 5 levels of training would have taken nearly a month, because for some god forsaken reason, they decided to hire three people at one time. Than there was their kitchen manager Rex, who didn't have a clue what he was doing. Despite having spent all of about 39 minutes in the restaurant, and 2 minutes overlooking their menu, I was able to call him out on four different occasions during the course of the day about how we was doing certain things wrong, he was very grateful each time, and I later found out that all the employee's working have just become so accustomed to his mistakes that they no longer find the need to correct him and just go on with the mistake, it was mind boggling, it really was, in a not so good way.

So, with that now being a foregone part of my life, I have since been inclined to move on, and I have found myself with two jobs. I will be working full-time at my old stomping ground, a lovely little place known as Glory Days and I will also be working part-time for my Dad. All in all, it should be around 60 hours or so a week, which may take a toll on my social life but being that I'm facing the possibility of being homeless in just over month, that's probably the way to go. Things should get real interesting to come the fall, when I will attempt to take classes for the first time in several years, assuming I get approved for some student loans. Nevertheless, I will manage, I always do.

The Homeless Man Who Swings For the Fence

In the spring and summer of 2005, I lived with Shouldice and Jimmy Gay in the old Glenmont Apartments. They since changed their name to the Fairways at Towson, supposedly it has a better ring to it, and it does to be quite honest, but I still consider it to be Glenmont. Anyways, during my time spent there, my diet was far from the healthiest. Granted, if some health freak were to analyze my diet today, he probably wouldn't be too impressed either, but that's besides the point. Come to think about it, my roommates weren't much better. Shouldice's diet consisted of the same thing my diet consisted of, Taco Bell and Cluck-U delivery and as for Jimmy Gay, well my main man went with the liquid diet. A 12 pack of Natty Boh and a few shots of Kentucky Bourbon were usually enough to keep ol' Jimmy at ease. Now, as a result of Taco Bell being an essential part of my diet, we spent a lot of timeat Taco Bell, and we noticed that there was a particular man who spent a lot of his time there also, well, at least in the parking lot. This man was well dressed and well spoken, and the first time I ever met him I developed a bit of sympathy for the guy. It was probably just past 2 A.M., and Shouldice and I were minding our own business, munching down on chalupas and quesadillas, when this man approached us. Keep in mind, that he was well dressed and well spoken. He introduced himself and told us that he coached football at Calvert Hall and his car broke down, I believe he even pointed to a car in the Salvo parking lot, and he needed to gather 26 bucks to take a cab ride home. He began to explain how he had just run out for a few errands and didn't even think to bring his ATM card, and his wife was home sick in Perry Hall. He assured the two of us that whatever money we lent him, once again dropping in the fact that he needed 26 dollars for a cab, would be refunded on Monday. Claiming there was a secretary named Ann who worked in the athletic department at Calvert Hall and he would give her an envelope with our name on it, and Monday morning we would be able to claim whatever money we had lent him. Typically, I am not one to hand out hard earned money to free loading strangers, but the two of us bought into the story and gave the man a few bucks. I think we each threw him a 5 and went on our way. I believe Shouldice may have been quite adamant about collecting the 5 dollars from Ann, the man can be a real penny pincher at times, but we soon found out that the chances of a refund were slim to none. The very next night, we once again got the urge for Taco Bell, and once again we were approached by a well spoken and well dressed stranger. He told the same story over again, word for word, except this time he pointed to a car in the Crackpot parking lot, and this time there was no pity in my heart. I did kinda get to wondering though, how many times, he has persuaded a kind and innocent stranger into "lending" him the whole 26 bucks, and also how many was the secretary at Calvert Hall approached by random strangers looking to pick up their money from the assistant football coach. I found the whole scenario to be rather amusing, especially considering the guy probably approached us another 3 or 4 times in that general vicinity, as for Shouldice, he drove off mumbling and cursing about Communists or something.

I picked up a few bucks yesterday evening driving out to Essex and I must say, Essex, really is a god awful place. I just don't know what they put in the water out there, because the people are just atrocious. I couldn't drive more than a quarter mile without passing a crew of people rocking mullets or wife beaters, and the lawns are even worse. There are above ground pools and lawn gnomes everywhere, and lawn gnomes are just flat out creepy. Push comes to shove though, I did manage to make money off picking up a working elliptical machine and may try and make some more money by selling the thing. It works well, the guy who owned it though, just never used it and got tired of the thing taking up space in his basement and that didn't really surprise me, he kinda resembled Cleveland from Family Guy, so I don't think exercise was at the top of his list when it comes to priorities. He couldn't of been any nicer though, I will give him that. So if by any chance you are looking for an elliptical machine, I'd be more than willing to unload it to a friend for a very affordable rate.

It's quite likely that I will be in attendance at the Orioles game tonight, and I hope those people who run the beer hut changed that god awful sign, but they probably didn't, and as a result I will probably curse a few times over it, and Andy will probably laugh, but that's alright, because the Stilling laugh is a legendary one. As for the Orioles, there going to send Bergie to the mound, and that is awesome, because Bergie has done a better job of resembling another former Oriole pitcher who donned the number 35 than he has done of resembling a rookie pitcher in the A.L. East.


I know I said the next blog I'd write would be about my main man Woody, but by the time I got a chance to sit down at the computer, I realized I wouldn't have quite enough time to post a decent entry, so instead I decided to shift the focus to homeless men and the town of Essex, places and people that truthfully deserve no real merit or recognition whatsoever.

Mocked by a 9 year old.

The summer season is a time for vacation and ever since I was a small child my parents have chosen Bethany Beach as their annual place of rest and relaxation. Every year they coordinate with my Dad's friend Denis Curran and our two families travel down to the fabulous A.O. on the same week. Last Friday, for the first time in several years, I took part in the family vacation. Last year I missed out on the opportunity because Baltimore County dictated where I slept on the weekends and Bo Brooks owned my life during the week. The year before I was supposed to spend the week with my parents in Bethany, but I teamed up with Townsend and Phelps, avoided my parents for nearly the whole entire week, and caused raucous all over Ocean City.

The Curran family, which is quite the extended family, was running a little behind and they didn't make it down to Bethany until Saturday. As a result of inclement weather, family issues, and various other things I didn't quite get the opportunity to spend come quality time with the Curran's until Monday and it is that day, that I received quite the tongue lashing from a young lad. Denis' oldest daughter Amy, is married, 38, and has three young children. Her first is a twelve year old girl named Molly, her second is a 9 year old socialite named River, and she also has a 6 month year old named Wyatt. Saturday evening, my parents were entertaining a few guests and my father borrowed a bottle of wine from the Curran's to help assist the entertainment and Monday the task of returning a new bottle of wine was handed over to none other but myself. After dropping the bottle off with his grandfather, River approached me and asked me if I wanted to play some poker. Now, as you may well know, I usually don't pass up on an offer to play some Texas Hold 'Em, and before I know it I'm sitting down with Denis, River, Denis' adopted son Sam, Denis' nephew Jimmy, and the boyfriend of Denis' younger daughter, Bart. Bearing that it was quite the friendly game, the stakes were rather low, everyone bought in for 5 bucks and we were soon on our way. In January, I posted a blog about playing 5 dollar poker with the Jacoby's and mocked the game, but this was somewhat excusable, their was a 9 year old at the table, and beer was also being served. Besides the two minor's, every one at the table was enjoying a cold adult beverage. It didn't take long before, I picked up one the fact that River will one day be quite the card player. The little punk was bluffing, laying down strong hands, and playing some impressive poker. I was so impressed that I told him I may just have to take him to Vegas when he turns 21. This comment got the little guy real excited and he than informed me that he would be turning ten soon and that was only eleven years away. It turns out that River's birthday is the day before mine, and when I shared this bit of information with the general public, the kid wanted to know my age. I told him that I would be turning 24 and it is at this point that I received some harsh criticism. River immediately remarked, "If your 24, where's your girlfriend?" I went on to tell the kid I didn't have one, and he replied, "My mom was married at 24, you must be messing up." Bart jumped into the conversation at this point and said something about how he was single at 24 and it really isn't that uncommon for a 24 year old to be single, but River wasn't buying the bull and responded "Yeah and now your 31 just like Aunt Katie and still not married, so somethings gotta be wrong." At this point, we both kinda accepted defeat and figured this was an arguement we weren't gonna win , went on with the game, and got on with our messed up lives. A few hands later, the kid was cashing out, with 12 bucks, and on his way down to the town to squander it on whatever 9 year old's spend money on nowadays, and I was soon packing up and heading home with an extra four bucks. I guess what I'm trying to say is, when it come's to 5$ poker, a 9 year old has a better chance of not going broke than Creech and your also probably more likely to get him to throw in for pizza.

I have a bit more to say, but I'm going to save it for another day. The next blog I post, will be about my main man Woody and it should be an epic one. I'm actually going to put some time and effort into it, and hell, I may even proofread the thing.

"Call Me Muhammad Ali biatch"

Several weeks ago, I headed downtown with Julia to check out Kohler's new place in the Highlandtown area. After a few hours and most likely due to a bit of intoxication, the girl began to dance and as soon as she began to show off her moves an inebriated Tyson was stumbling over to join in on the fun. At this point, Tys was strutting around the house docking some sort of Crackerjack box medal with a bronze tint. Despite the bronze tint, Tyson was claiming this to be his gold medal and with the level of inebriation he had already reached, all had realized that we should just accept this statement as statement of validity or just make fun of Tyson as soon as he stumbled away. Now, I will admit, I have actually watched part of an episode of the reality show "Dancing with the Stars" it wasn't long ago that the Fick parents convinced me to watch Warren Sapp do the tango, or whatever the big man did, but I must say, if Julia and Tyson want to one day reach reality show dancing status, well they got a while to go. Within a matter of seconds there was a loud bang and as I turned my shoulder, I noticed Tyson knocking the girl to the ground. Blood was soon pouring out of his eye and people soon began to overreact. I've noticed that most times there is an excessive amount of blood,people overreact. Hell, nearly a year ago, I was sitting on top of the bathroom counter at Mex laughing away, as Creech told me I should go to the hospital. Nevertheless, despite numerous comments that Tyson needed stitches the man just patched it up, and was soon at the bar. So several weeks later, I'm having a conversation with the man and I notice that above his eye a nice little scar as emerged and I brought up the topic and received what I felt to be a typical Tyson answer. After my comment regarding the scar, Tyson properly stated, "Call Me Muhammad Ali biatch!"

Speaking of Creech, it appears the man has reached a new low, gay porn. To be honest, I really should have seen it coming, I did live with the guy for three months last summer and the signs were everywhere. I will occasionally get a phone call from Corey or Steve or Bobby or any other guy that I enjoy hanging out with asking me if I want to go watch the game somewhere or check out the new Terminator movie, typical guy stuff. However, with Creech it would be do you wanna go watch the Hills? Or let's go check out the new Matthew McConaughey movie, like I said, the sign's are everywhere. So back to the gay porn. Supposedly, last weekend, Smedium made the ill advised mistake of inviting Creech and the rest of Calvert County to his suite in the great Ocean City. Smedium had spent one night already there working for Bacardi and had an obscene amount of free liquor to his name. Within a few hours Creech, Brann, and a few others arrive to the suite and begin pounding shots. With the alcohol starting to flow, Creech is cross dressing and ripping womens clothing off his body. Now with the scenes starting to get a bit sweaty, a naked Smedium and half naked Creech are now frolicking around an Ocean City hotel room and I could go into the rest of the details of the movie, but, well, I'm actually getting out of my chair to vomit right now, and I don't think anyone wants to hear the more intimate details. As it turns out, the Holiday Inn is not a big fan of gay porn, nor are they big fans of their furniture being thrown into their pool, so the Calvert County crew was soon on their way back to the CC. As for Creech, well, he still isn't shitting right.

I sent out a text message last night to the few people that evidently missed me the most while my phone was missing in action and instantly I received a phone call from Julia. The girl sounded like she was near tears and as she began to express her concerns I couldn't help but to crack a smile. The poor girl was hiding behind her comforter, in a state of shock, because a small creature resembling a mouse was hanging out in her bedroom. Being in a state of shock, she couldn't move until she was assured the mouse was out of her room and everything was safe. I even offered my services, but unfortunately the door to her house was locked and I would not be able to get into the house, but in all means, to steal words from the infamous Brian Billick, I was ready to grab my spear and go in like a banshee kicking whatever doors down, but to no avail. Eventually, Julia's step-mother came in though and was the hero and everything was restored to it's finest.

Well, I'm about to head down to the A.O. with the parental units, so I will be away for a while, until Monday, when I will emerge ready to rock out.

The Man Who Does Work At The Retirement Home

At some point yesterday afternoon, I was standing on the balcony of Aaron Payne's apartment with my buddy James and a few other people. The two of us were talking about a variety of things, when someone noticed there was a rather old man going for a swim in the pool at Towson Woods. This man was swimming by himself and was probably in his 70's. Instantly the old man became the topic of the conversation and the majority of the people on the balcony were quite surprised that someone that age would have the audacity to live in Towson Woods and it's at this point that James stepped up to the plate. James claimed that when he becomes an old man he wants to live in Towson Woods and sit out on his patio with a sign saying "Old Man For Rent" His hope is that he will be able to use his old age to instill valuable lessons of wisdom and knowledge to any one that cares. I found it to be quite an interesting approach, I mean old people need jobs too, and why not be a free agent and be available to sign with the highest bidder, while enjoying your age.

Now, this conversation provoked another and this one was about retirement homes. There was a lady at Payne's apartment, named Ms. Sharon and Ms. Sharon was Ms. Sharon because well she had quite a few years on the average person at the party. Nevertheless, Ms. Sharon was some serious eye candy as well, and the term cougar most definitely applied to her. I'm sure the Jacoby's would have been all over her had they of been at the party. Anyways, Ms. Sharon started telling us about her uncle. Good ol' Uncle Woodrow Wilson Myers. Supposedly, ol' Woody is 92 and lives at an assisted living center somewhere in the area. Despite being the ripe old age of 92, ol' Woody can still walk on his own, still is healthy enough to keep his shoulders back and chest out, and even has a full head of hair. With the help of those characteristics, ol' Woody is supposedly quite the ladies man at the assisted living center. Every time the son of gun goes into the dining hall, he gets all these old hags all smitten over him. Within a matter of seconds they are licking their dentures, hiking up their britches, and sliding their walkers under the dining room table in hopes to catch the eye of good ol' Woody. Throughout the course of this conversation one could just see James deeply developing a sense of awe and an aspiring man crush on the 92 year old playa known as Woody.

As a result of Dagro moving back to Frederick and joining up with the staff at Glory Day's Frederick, the Beer Olympics eventually came to an end and turned into an epic battle of survivor flip cup between Glory Days Towson and Glory Days Frederick. Each side started with eight members and it soon became quite obvious that when it comes to flip cup, Frederick is simply playing at a JV level. Thanks to the solid core of myself, Payne, and a little blond named Blair, who could definitely hold her own with the big boys, we were able to pit the two roommates against each other in a battle for the ages. The DJ even stopped spinning to make an announcement so every one could watch as Payne ended the game rightly in the gauntlet against Dagro. And we all know the words that instantly followed "Thanks for Playing."

I was at the Orioles game Friday, enjoying a beer or two, and they had a sign posted in front of Sliders that bothered me. Damon even mentioned it in his most recent blog and I don't like the way he put together the whole paragraph, although I can't say I'm a bit surprised. Now, the sign said "All Beers 2 for 5$" And right under it, the sign said Pabst 3$ and Natty Boh's 2 for 4$. Stilling and McGrain kept telling me that the fact that they put the Pabst and Natty Boh prices on the sign, rightfully explained that all beer except Pabst and Natty Boh were two for five and I understood what they were saying. But push comes to shove, the first thing you read is all beer is two for five bucks, when quite frankly, all beer is not two for five bucks and therefore the sign is preposterous. Am I right or am I right? They simply could put "Beer 2 for 5$" and I would have been happy, but they threw in the world all and it was just atrocious.

Six Pack Sunday

In the summer of 2004, I had a weekly ritual with Shouldice that for some reason we believed was centered around religion. Every Sunday was Six Pack Sunday. Now, here is what Six Pack Sunday's entailed. First of all, the two of us had this theory, and to be honest I truly think we firmly believed it, that Sunday was God's day, and if God were to drink beer, God would drink "good" beer out of a bottle, and he wouldn't drink more than six. So every Sunday the two of us would meet up in some remote location, most likely the parking lot in front of Towson High or the parking lot in front of Sports Authority, and than we would venture out to purchase our six pack. Being that we were under the philosophy that God would only drink "good" beer we usually resorted to buying a six pack of Miller Lite or Rolling Rock, because when you've spent the whole summer consuming an ungodly amount of Beast Light and Schaffers Light, Miller Lite and Rolling Rock seem like the nectar of the gods. Plus, our parent's drank Miller Lite and Rolling Rock and we had another theory that if they were drinking it, it must be good. So once we found a place that would accept our horrible form of identification, we would than drive around aimlessly waiting for the sun to go down. Since we were 19 and both returning home from our freshman year of college, we lacked a lot of places to consume adult beverages, so once the sun had set, we would go to Riderwood Elementary and slowly sip on our "good bottled beer" because that's what God would be doing if he were in Towson. That was another rule we had to six pack Sunday, you couldn't chug. We had done enough chugging during the week, and plus God wouldn't chug beer, so we had to sip. Throughout the course of the summer, we tried to bring other people into the idea of Six Pack Sunday, but most of them just looked at us like we were two insane stricken kids, especially when we started to explain our theory regarding the day. Eventually the summer came to an end and Shouldice returned to Frostburg, and the next time he was in Towson for a while, well the two of us were getting an apartment together, and well, everyone knows what went on in that place.


I was watching Baseball Tonight the other day, and the Colorado Rockies have a fine young outfielder by the name of Dexter Fowler. I have never had the opportunity to meet good ol' Dex, but I have had the opportunity to meet another Fowler. Shelly Fowler. It was the spring of 2003 and my parents headed out of town for the weekend, my younger brother was also out of town that weekend, so I had the house to myself. Now, when a 17 year old high school senior has the house to himself for the weekend, a 17 year old high school senior has a party. Various kids from Towson High School are coming into my humble abode and my buddy Dane shows up with a blond haired 15 year old name Shelly. After several rounds of quarters, I started to catch the attention of this young blond. After several more rounds of quarters, someone at the party got the word, that there was an even bigger party right down the street at Danie Mosca's house and my whole party was soon on the way. Next thing I know, it's nearly 3 A.M. and I'm walking back into my house hand-in-hand with Ms. Fowler, only to find one surprise. My parents had decided to return home early and my Dad is sitting at the kitchen table drinking one of the Miller High Life's that were left from the party. At 17, this was the first time I had ever encountered my parental units after a few adult beverages, and it was a bit intimidating for myself, and than there's Shelly. The poor girl, realized what was going on and was trying to hide herself behind me. My father than asked me to introduce him to my girlfriend and when I than explained that it wasn't my girlfriend in fact she came with another guy, the poor girl got even more embarrassed. To make matters worse, we called Dane back, and he looped back to take the girl home. I mean it was kinda a low blow on my part,taking the girl from the guy and than having him take her home, but I think the kid got over it, were good friends to the day. As for Shelly, well I got her number via a piece of paper from Dane in class sometime the next week, and hung out in her hot tub one day. But, she soon realized that 17 year old boys can be horrible people at times, and we went our separate ways. Several years later though, I did receive a phone call from her, she had had a few too many and forgotten who John G was in her cell phone and decided to make a phone call and find out and that was the last time I ever heard from the lovely Shelly Fowler.

Thanks For Playing

I was out and about yesterday afternoon, when I received a glorious phone call. The phone call was from my main man Stills and he informed me that if I could behave myself and act as a responsible adult, I would have the opportunity to receive four free tickets to the O's game. After assuring Stills that I possessed the skills necessary to function as a mature and responsible adult, I was given the number of some lady named Susan who had four tickets. Immediately, I called this lady and was soon on my way to Roland Park to pick them up. Now, around this time the sky was rather gray and the percentage of heavy rain was quite high, but nonetheless, this did not come in my way of taking up an opportunity to receive free tickets to watch the Orioles play baseball. With four tickets now in my sole possession, I now had one responsibility remaining. Find 3 people that want to go. I spent some time making phone calls, and to my dismay, I found out that your average person worries way too much about the rain when it comes to baseball. Seriously, it's just rain, nothing but a little water, it really shouldn't ruin your day. Nevertheless, finding people to go became quite troublesome, and I couldn't make use of all four tickets, but, I got a hold of Siobhan and she was no pushover like every one else I talked to and she came through like a champion.

As a result of the rain, the game was delayed nearly twenty minutes, which allowed me to see the first pitch, and that was nice, I hadn't seen the first pitch of a baseball game live this season, due to the fact that I typically spend too much time drinking Natty Boh's in front of Pickles. Bergie, struck out the first batter and I really wish Trembley would have let him go out there in the ninth for the chance to get his first complete game shutout, but he went with Big George, and we ended up winning 3-1. If your counting, which you probably are not, the O's are now 4-2 in games I have attended this year. Friday, could be the seventh O's game I attend this season, and their going up against some young phenom named Tommy Hanson, and I'm hoping that another young phenom takes him deep because it's quite possible that I will be wearing my homemade jersey again.


After the game, I headed north with Siobhan back to the hometown and ended up at Fridays. Kari was bartending, and as far as bartenders go she is definitely one of the best. Fridays was having some "beach party" and I didn't really get the whole idea, nor did it really work. To be honest the NBA Finals seemed to be a bigger draw, than the "beach party" but either way, put me in a bar, and relieve me of my duty of being a responsible adult, and a good time is sure to follow. Throw Siobhan in the mix, and, you basically have two trains going head-on traveling at a high rate of speed. No one can be quite sure when the two trains will collide, but a wreck is inevitable, its just a matter of time. Within moments of my arrival to Fridays, I ran into the Payne Train and it's at that point where things really started to get dicey. Next thing, I know I'm at Casey's, Payne and I are talking thoughts of hitting up Firehouse for an after party and Siobhan is feeding everyone shots. The Payne Train after party never quite happened, well it may have, I just didn't make it there, but there are rumors via Facebook of a Beer Olympics at his apartment on Sunday and I will most definitely not miss that one, because if you take the Payne Train, and take his apartment in Towson Woods, and feature a Beer Olympics, trouble is sure to follow. Supposedly, this is going to be the last hurrah at Payne and Dagro's apartment, and that is most definitely a shame, because the kids have had some good one's in the past and I'm sure with it being a competition, there will be plenty of formidable squads because as Big Juicy and Smedium well know, when it comes to playing beer games for money, the Payne Train is not one to mess around with. Supposedly, Smedium still owes him 100bucks or something over a game of ruit. Anyways, I will have to invite Curley, because the last time he ventured north of Baltimore City to the house of Payne, well let's just say even the doctor's were saying "Thanks for playing."

The Man Who Drinks Aqua Velva

Monday night I was minding my own business, doing sit-ups as I flipped back and forth between the Orioles game and The Princess Bride, when I received a text message. The text was from LSilv, referring to a specific individual she works with at the great Bo Brooks. As you all know, I spent some time there as well and Brandon, the individual she was referring too, is hands down one of the sketchiest people I have ever met in my life. Over the course of my young life I have had a countless number of jobs and as a result, met a countless number of people. Now, one thing that tends to happen when you have the opportunity to meet lots of people, is you happen to meet a lot of sketchballs and when you meet a sketchball, you most certainly do not forget them. The focus of this blog is going to be on some of these shady individuals but for now, I must return to the story.

Supposedly, Lindsay and Brandon, left work at the same time and Brandon walked her nearly all the way home. Now, the walk from Lindsay's house to Bo Brooks shouldn't take one very long, but with Brandon, I'm sure it took quite a while, cause the man lacks the ability to do things at a quick rate of speed. Those kinda things tend to happen, when you have to disappear every so often to shoot up some black tar, snort some coke, or perhaps smoke crack. I was never quite sure what drug was the man's drug of choice, but I have a feeling it was one of those three. To be honest, I shouldn't have said the man can't do anything at a quick rate of speed, because, his jaw, lips, and eyes are usually twitching at a rapid pace. Anyways, somewhere on their drug induced walk home, a homeless man approached the lovely duo, and within a matter of seconds, the bum was fleeing down Boston street, garbage bag, cardboard box and all, in a desperation attempt to get away from Brandon. He didn't even take the kid's money. Priceless. Needless to say, Brandon now has a few extra dollars to his pocket and LSilv had the best night of her life, what else can be said.

Now, onto the other sketchballs.

In the summer of 2007, I worked at Brawner Brothers construction, it was a great job, and if they didn't assign me to the most boring crew ever, I may quite possibly still be there. Nevertheless, there was a man there named Rick. Rick, was a heavyset fellow and a lifer in the construction business. He spent most of the days driving the trucks, because he was a worthless complainer who no foreman wanted on their crew. As for the reason he may have been worthless, well I am about to tell you. Rick, claimed that he had reached a point in his life, where normal alcohol no longer effected him like it once did and as a result he began to search for other means to reach intoxication and he stumbled across bottles of Aqua Velva aftershave. So, when the bell rang on Friday afternoon, many Brawner employees would head to the liquor store to pick up a 12 pack or bottle of Jack, but Rick would go to the grocery store and pick up a bottle of Aqua Velva. Supposedly, only a few sips of the stuff and you would reach a solid buzz. I saw him take a quick chug one day and it was just utterly gut wrenching to see someone chug aftershave, but to Rick it was just a way of life.

Than there's Jay Farley. Jay and I worked together for two years, as Lutherville Timonium Recreation Council Leaders and to be honest I always kinda felt bad for the kid. In reality, Jay wasn't really a sketchball, he just lacked basic social skills, and as a result came across to most people as rather shady. The only times we would work together would be in the fall, when football was in season. On certain Saturdays, we would have to set up the football field, help with the concessions and do various other things along the course of the day. The typical football Saturday was about a 14 hour work day, which is totally illegal to make a 16 year old do, but when it came time fill out our time sheets, we would just put down three 6 hour days and I realize the math doesn't work there but it's what the boss told us to do. He wasn't paying us anyways so it didn't matter. Anyways, back to Jay. Now, Jay was a big kid, probably about 6"3 and 250lbs, which is quite large for a high school boy and Jay's main hobby was reading books about goblins, demons, witches, and warlocks. That kinda stuff will pollute one's mind. To make matters worse, all Jay did is read and he didn't really have any friends. At all of these football games, there were cheerleaders. Now, we were 16 to 17 at the time, and these cheerleaders ranged from probably 11-14 and when a 6"3 250 pound man, sits down next to a 12 year old cheerleader and begins to talk about goblins and demons, she gets sketched out. And when a 12 year old girl gets sketched out, she tells her 12 year old friend, who tells her mother who in turns files a complaint. It got kinda ugly at one point, but nothing big ever evolved and I heard through the grapevine that Jay joined the Marines and good for him, I hope he is doing well, and I'd imagine the Marines got him to stop reading about goblins and demons.

The final two sketchballs I'm going to discuss are both former Bo Brooks employees as well. The first, is the lovely Jen Jones.

I only had the luxury of working with Jen Jones for a few months, she walked out on the Fourth of July during a shift, and to this day I believe she stills owes Bo Brooks a couple hundred bucks, but that girl definitely had some issues. There was a specific evening last summer, where I ventured out to JD's in Canton with a few employees, and we got to last call and Jen still wanted to keep drinking. I was with Creech and the two of us were not opposed to the idea of still drinking with a good looking young lady, so we invited her back to Towson. Somewhere, along the ride, Creech got the genius idea, that we should take Jen to my parents house, they were in Bethany Beach at the time, and convince her that it was our place. I had to go along with the idea, because who would really want to drink late night in a house with no cable, no furniture, and no air conditioning. Quite frankly, we may not have even had power. A few minutes later, Creech is pulling into my driveway and the three of us are walking into my house. Now, if you have ever been inside my parent's house, there should be no way imaginable that one would ever buy into the concept that the two of us lived there by ourselves, but Jen Jones did and that alone should speak volumes. Instantly, the girl just started slamming vodka and once she got drunk, her persona changed. She went from a sweet loving little girl to this enraged white trash hoochie mama. She kept talking about how she stole things, smoked crack, and beat up other bitches and Creech is just looking over at me scared shitless. Girls from Dundalk, you really gotta watch out for them. But, I gotta give it to her, she had one hell of an ass, an ass that would make Sir Mix A Lot proud because Baby Got Back.

Finally, I'm onto the sketchiest person I have ever come into contact with. I believe his name was Ben and I actually saw him while I was driving the other day. He was walking past the Kent and I screamed like a 10 year old girl, granted, I was in my truck and passing him at a high rate of speed, but it was still way too close for comfort. This man could straight up put chills through your body. I worked with him for only a matter of day's, before he was fired. He had one of those beards, that someone who can't really grow a beard has. I mean, it is a beard, but you can tell their rocking it because it's the first time in their life they've had enough facial hair to attempt to rock the beard, but it doesn't really work. Nevertheless, he kept telling me and other employees about African slogans and signs, how he believed everyone should keep a handgun in the glove box of their car, and just other weird things like that. I believe he was fired for telling customers that his tattoos resembled everyone he had killed in his life or something like that, I don't really know, but the man was a total creeper. Supposedly, Nate passed him on the streets once and hid behind his wife in an effort to avoid him, and I don't really blame the guy, if I fired this man, I would have no shame whatsoever in hiding behind a woman to avoid an encounter. Anyways, that's enough for sketchballs.

I walked into Razorback's last night to play trivia with Andy and Damon, and as soon as I walked in, I noticed the Big Unit on the tele. He had just won his 300th game and I mentioned to Andy and Damon that I don't know if we will ever see another 300 game winner unless of course Jamie Moyer pitches until he is 60, which is quite possible, and Damon started laughing because supposedly he had just said the same thing to Stills before I walked into the bar. What can I say? Great minds think alike. Speaking of Randy Johnson, the man had quite the mullet at times, and anyone who can rock a mullet, and rock a mullet well, is good in my book. Plus, he scared the living shit out of John Kruk in the 1993 All-Star Game and may quite possibly be the best dove hunter in all of baseball. Speaking of the 1993 All-Star Game, I'm still pissed at Cito Gaston for not brining in Mike Mussina to close out the ninth.

The Jacoby's were out last night and I'm big fans of both. They kept going on about a possible fishing trip with Andy, Damon, the two of them, and myself and that would be one for the ages. Alex is upstairs singing like a girl, its kinda funny, I don't know if he knows I can hear him. I'm gonna let this one ride for a moment.

Batman, Tin Cup, And "Crazy Game of Poker" on Repeat

I was hanging out at a friends apartment last week and it seems that a girl I know has resorted to online dating. If you were to go back and check the history of my blog, I mentioned my thoughts on online dating in a previous entry, if you feel like going back and doing some research, I probably published it in January and the title probably had something to do with Julia. Now, there was one thing that surprised me in her online pursuits, she managed to catch the attention of Batman. I've never had the opportunity to meet Batman, but from what I've seen the man does pretty well for himself and I was quite perplexed when I found out he had resorted to online Batman. I mean the caped wonder, drives a bad ass car, can kick some serious ass, and seems to do pretty well for himself in terms of the ladies. He's caught the attention of Katie Holmes, Uma Thurman, Nicole Kidman, and a long list of various other hotties. My biggest concern about the guy has always been his best friends are an old guy and a dude in tights named Robin, but the other factors in his life have helped me ignore those downfalls. However, now that I know Batman is pursuing girls via online, instead of impressing them by kicking some serious arse and just being all that is manly, I may be starting to wonder. In fact, the girl who he pursued, didn't even respond to the guy. So not only is Batman, pursuing girls in a desperation attempt, he is being shot down doing it. But with this in mind, I gotta give it to the girl, if she can turn down Batman, she's got some potential.

I was reading online somewhere, most likely a website dedicated to the wide world of sports, that Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus will be squaring off in a skins match. This skins match obviously has all sorts of PR appeal to it, as it pits a dream match-up. Granted, Nicklaus probably has more wrinkles in his face now than John Daly has wrinkles in his personal lifestyle, but either way, it's quite easy to sell people on the idea of arguably the two greatest golfers of all time going head-to-head. However, if it were up to me, I'd much rather see Tiger go up against another elite golfer. I'd like to see a skins match between Tiger and Roy McAvoy. McAvoy, the golfer who shot the greatest 12 in U.S. Open history, and quite possibly the greatest prop gambler the game of golf has ever seen, against Tiger Tiger Woods yall. I could almost guarantee you the match would become an ESPN Instant Classic. My money would be on Tin Cup though, at least for the front 9, until he loses control and ends up shooting the back nine with a Louisville Slugger, shovel, and sand rake. As for J, I'm pretty sure he'll back Tin Cup the whole way.

This past weekend I traveled to Frederick, while there, I got the fine opportunity to use firearms and I must say if you ever have the opportunity to fire a 12 gauge shotgun into a full can of beer at close range, DO IT! You won't be disappointed with the results.

During the course of my drive to Frederick, I was listening to the radio and the song "Crazy Game of Poker" came on by O.A.R. and it reminded me of a party I once went to back in high school. The party was located at this girls house in Towson, this girl used to date Shouldice, and quite frankly, I really wish Shouldice never dated the girl. If someone were to ask me, "What is one thing you have disliked about Shouldice in the whole time you have known him?" I would probably answer, "Well, I've known Shouldice for a while, he is one of my best friends, I even lived with the guy at a point where he started to go crazy and would have full conversations in his sleep, and there is only one thing I've ever disliked about him, and that is he dated Vomit for a while." Now, Vomit isn't really the girl's name, her real name is Alex, but Stilling titled her as Vomit while they were dating, and I like that name better, so that is the name I'm going with. Anyways, back to the party. I can't remember what I was drinking at the party, but bearing that I was with Shouldice, a 30 pack of Beast Light or Schaffers Light is a damn good bet. Chances are we got it from the Liquor Pump or the China Lady as well. At some point during the course of the party, drama evolved. The drama had something to do with a private school girl who liked to draw attention to herself by cutting herself and sleeping with boys at parties and than accusing those high school boys of raping her. Her "madly in love" boyfriend, actually bought that lie, to it was kinda amusing, he cried a lot, when she was upstairs with another guy doing her thing. Than several days later, she would say that guy raped her, and he'd go around saying what an asshole that guy was and how bad he felt for her, it was really pathetic, but either way I'm getting away from the story and the drama. Now, I have always been someone to try and avoid drama, it just isn't all it is cracked up to be. So at this point, Shouldice couldn't have agreed with me more, the two of us decided to keep drinking beer and to try and find some good music. The house was full of lots of crappy music, they didn't even have a country cd in the house. Eventually, we found a mixed CD, and keeping up with the trend of things, basically every song on that CD was crappy. But, there was one good song. "Crazy Game of Poker" The two of us were stoked. At this point, with the boyfriend crying on the steps, and everyone else talking to the drunk slut who cuts herself, we decided to play this song over and over again. Now, if you have ever played one song over and over again, for several hours, in a house full of people, it tends to piss people off. Every so often people would trickle downstairs from the drama room and yell at us, but we just sat there, smiling, drinking beer, protecting the radio with a passion, and not once changing the music. Even the crying boy on the stairwell started to scream at us, but to no avail. It was an awesome night, eventually, though the night came to an end. But to this day, whenever Shouldice returns for a brief period of time from sailing the seven seas, that night is always discussed.